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Thoughts On Unexpected Grief
and Being Childless
by Mary E. Stephens
May 17, 2020
Mother's Day was really hard this year.
I knew it would be because of my mother going to heaven in
March. It is so raw and fresh still in some ways. What I didn't
expect was the grief I had that I don't have a mother here any
more and that I am also not a
mother.
After years of dealing with pain of not
being a mother, I didn't expect that one to crop back up again.
It isn't that I don't know how to deal with it, or that I don't
know where to go for help with it. It's more like the feeling
of, "Hey, wait. I thought I got off of this train at an earlier
station. How did I get back on it?" Somehow losing my mom from
this earth brought that old hurt back again.
Life surprises us sometimes. We think we
know what to expect and then it isn't how we thought it would
be. Grieving is something that has a way of surprising us
repeatedly. It's hard to anticipate when or how it will crop up.
Sometimes we are taken off guard by the things it brings with it
- old griefs, guilt, anger, thankfulness, relief, exhaustion,
peace, confusion, etc. It's hard to predict how it will affect
us today.
I certainly didn't anticipate the old
sorrow of being childless to recur. It has been awhile since
I've felt that hurt.
 Mother's
Day is hard for a lot of people. Some of us chose not to go to
church meetings on that day, and I'm sure we're judged for it by
some. It isn't an easy thing to deal with being childless, it
isn't easy dealing with the recent loss of one's mother. I know
people who have to deal with memories of a bad mother. The thing
I think we need to avoid is judging others for things that we
either don't understand, or in areas that we feel they "ought"
to be stronger.
Not everyone carries a load the same
way. Watch people try to lift and carry an awkward load
sometime. Some have strength and ease in carrying the same load
that someone else struggles with. Just because one appears
stronger than another doesn't mean that the apparently weaker
person should be despised. Sometimes they are stronger in other
areas. We don't see the whole picture and need to be careful
about assumptions.
Something I think I have seldom
mentioned in my writing is that my husband and I chose not to
have children. The reason I've avoided that subject is probably
self-evident: I expect judgment. There are a lot of people who
think that having children is essential to having a "godly
marriage." Some are more adamant about it than others. While
some may simply look askance and harbor thoughts of "that was a
bad choice," others would tell me that we are selfish, or even
wicked, for this choice.
I knew a lady years ago who had a
hysterectomy before she and her husband even got saved. After
they became Christians they were visiting a Reformed church one
Sunday and a deacon met them and welcomed them. In the process
of getting their information he asked them if they had children.
When they told him they did not, without finding out any details
or knowing a thing about their history or lives, he informed
them that they needed to have children. I realize those
situations are probably rather rare, but I also know there are
people out there who are not at all hesitant to make false
assumptions and judge other people harshly for not having
children.
Our reasons, though it isn't
necessary for me to even share them, are related to the
difficult combination of physical illness and the anxiety
disorder that I was dealing with at the time we were married. I
was also already 38, so we didn't have time to try to improve my
health in time to make things work out well. Even so, we prayed
consistently for guidance on this for some years, and ultimately
it was always in the Lord's hands. He could have overruled our
choice at any time, and He did not.
Some people would think that because we
made a choice not to have children therefore it shouldn't have
caused much grief or pain. For me this was not true. While I
didn't struggle with the terrible burden of infertility and
trying to conceive unsuccessfully, I have had some very hard
times with grief over not having children. At times it has been
crushing.
Over time, and with age, I became more
settled with it and have been able to grow into a contentment
that is usually undisturbed. Sometimes I actually feel quite
well satisfied with this path the Lord took us down. But, as I
learned this past Mother's Day, the ability of this to cause me
pain is still there.
Why am I telling this story?
First, I want others to know that this
happens. The journey of childlessness is never over till we
leave this life. Finding contentment in this calling may never
be "finished for good" on this earth. It may require further
lessons. Yes, it may hurt less and be easier to deal with since
you have developed tools that you know work. But, don't be
shocked if some situation brings you a new lesson in contentment
that you did not expect. And while I am speaking of not having
children, this is something that I am sure applies to many areas
where we have to learn to be content. It is attainable, but it
is a learning process.
Philippians
4:11 ...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am,
therewith
to be content.
Second, I want to remind you not to
despise your sisters' burdens.
Galatians 6:2
Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
It is easy to judge someone else when
they don't do the things we think they should. It is easy to
think that someone else has "arrived" at some point where
certain things don't affect them any more. We need to uphold
each other in Christ. We need to show kindness when someone may
be hurting, even if we think it is something they "shouldn't" be
feeling. It's easy to forget that not everyone carries a burden
in the same way. It's easy to let the cares of life and the
things we are dealing with ourselves keep us from fulfilling the
command to bear one another's burdens.
Hebrews 12:12-14
Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble
knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is
lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.
Follow peace with all men,
and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:
Another thing that can happen in this
regard is that sometimes we're tempted to belittle someone
else's burden or struggle. Women who have dealt with infertility
may think that choosing not to have children isn't that painful.
Women who have children are sometimes insensitive in the things
they say to women who are struggling to have children. I have
heard of comments being made like, "You're still young," "Be
thankful you don't have to deal with that yet," and other
equally inappropriate things. Women who have troubling and
wayward children may think that the burden of not having
children is a much lighter one than they are bearing themselves.
We need to show compassion. We need to
strengthen one another in prayer and Christian love through
these life trials, not belittle the suffering of our sisters in
Christ because we somehow think their burden "shouldn't" be that
heavy.
Matthew 18:33
Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant,
even as I had pity on thee?
Lastly, please know that you are not
alone.
Hebrews 13:5
Let your
conversation be
without covetousness; and be
content with such things as ye have:
for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
If you have felt a pain and sorrow that
was a surprise to you, some other Christian somewhere is also
feeling the same thing, or they have at some point.
1
Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but
such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will
not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will
with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be
able to bear it.
There are no uncommon temptations. All
temptation to discontentment is common. All temptation to think
that "my sorrow is different from others and no one else knows
how bad I feel" is also common. No, dear one, you are not alone.
Others have felt pain like this. And the Lord Jesus has helped
them through it. He will help you too. His heart is touched with
the feeling of our infirmities (Hebrews
4:15). He hasn't forgotten. He hasn't stopped looking. He is
near. He hears. He cares. He loves you with more love and
kindness than our poor human minds can even imagine. You are not
alone.
You are not alone.
You are not alone.
John 14:18 I
will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
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